- I convinced the entire town that a meteor was going to crash into South Park just to get out of doing my homework. Genius, right?
- Remember when I faked a psychic ability to exploit grieving families? Yeah, that was one of my best moneymaking schemes ever.
- Starting my own church to make millions off gullible people? It was brilliant! Faith+1 rocked the world and my bank account.
- Tricking Scott Tenorman into eating his own parents? Classic Cartman. It’s all about the long game, folks.
- Pretending to be handicapped to win the Special Olympics? Hey, all’s fair in love, war, and getting what I want.
- Yeah, I made Butters think the world ended and locked him in a bomb shelter for days. It was hilarious!
- Feeding Scott Tenorman his parents? Dark humor at its finest. You just don’t see that level of commitment anymore.
- When I accused my mom of being a hermaphrodite just to mess with everyone’s heads. Pure Cartman gold.
- My Christian rock band was just a ploy to scam people out of money. The joke’s on them!
- Remember when I dressed up as Hitler for Halloween? South Park just can’t handle my level of humor.
- Kyle’s just jealous because he knows he’ll never be as smart or as awesome as me. Sucks to be him!
- I live to make Kyle’s life miserable. It’s practically my full-time job, and I’m damn good at it.
- Kyle thinks he’s so righteous, but he’s just a goody-two-shoes loser who can’t handle the real world.
- Every time Kyle tries to one-up me, he ends up looking like a fool. It’s almost too easy.
- If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that pushing Kyle’s buttons is the key to my happiness.
- Respect my authoritah! Or suffer the consequences.
- Screw you guys, I’m going home!
- Kyle, you’re such a Jew. And not in the cool, money-saving way.
- I’m not fat, I’m big-boned! Get it right!
- You guys, seriously, this is so weak. I’ve seen stronger insults from a dead hamster.
- The Coon was my finest creation. A superhero with a dark side, just like me.
- When I dressed up as a robot to spy on Butters, it was a masterclass in deception.
- Pretending to be a German boy to get on TV? That was pure Cartman brilliance.
- My stint as a hippie exterminator was legendary. No one eradicates peace-lovers like Cartman.
- As Awesome-O, I proved that even as a robot, I’m more human than most people in South Park.
- My mom spoils me because she knows I’m destined for greatness. End of story.
- She’s a pushover, but I love her. She’ll do anything I want, and that’s the way it should be.
- Liane’s a mess, but without her, I wouldn’t be the genius mastermind I am today.
- Sure, I manipulate her, but it’s all part of the master plan. She’s just a pawn in my game.
- My mom’s ‘special friends’ are gross, but they’re her problem, not mine. I’ve got bigger fish to fry.
- PC Principal can suck it. No one tells Cartman how to think or what to say.
- I’m not here to make people feel good about themselves. I’m here to tell it like it is.
- Political correctness is just a way for weak people to feel powerful. I’ll never bow to that nonsense.
- I’ll call people whatever I want. If they can’t handle it, they’re too soft for South Park.
- PC culture is ruining comedy. Good thing Cartman’s here to keep it real and offensive.
- Fat Camp was a blast! Who knew losing weight could be so much fun? Oh wait, I didn’t lose any.
- Casa Bonita is my Disneyland. I’d do anything to get there, even if it means tricking my friends.
- Remember when I infiltrated NAMBLA just to find mature friends? Yeah, that was a classic.
- Going to Somalia to become a pirate? Best decision ever. Who knew piracy was so fulfilling?
- Joining the Special Olympics under false pretenses was just another day in the life of Cartman.
- Faith+1 was my ticket to fame. Who knew Christian rock could be so profitable?
- As an actor, I’ve played everything from a robot to a German boy. My range is unparalleled.
- I’ve got the voice of an angel and the cunning of a devil. It’s a lethal combination.
- Remember my musical ‘Le Petit Tourette’? I’m a creative genius, plain and simple.
- My ability to manipulate people is my greatest talent. It’s what sets me apart from the rest.
- Stan and Kenny are my bros, but they’re also pawns in my elaborate games.
- Kyle is my arch-nemesis. Our battles are the stuff of legends in South Park.
- Butters is my loyal sidekick, even if he’s too dumb to realize it.
- Wendy Testaburger? She’s got guts, but she’s no match for Cartman’s wit.
- My relationships are complex. I’m a master manipulator, and everyone else is just a piece on my chessboard.
Cartman’s Schemes and Scams
The Dark Humor of Eric Cartman
Budget-Friendly Excellence
Cartman vs. Kyle
Cartman’s Catchphrases
The Many Faces of Eric Cartman
Cartman and His Mom
Cartman’s War on PC Culture
From Fat Camp to Casa Bonita
The Many Talents of Eric Cartman
Cartman’s Best Friends and Worst Enemies
